Exotic Breads

Bread, be it from wheat, barley, sorghum, millet or rye is a major staple. Short of a setting creating a whole new set of foodstuffs, a variety of breads should be available. Some of them might even be capable of something more than satisfying hunger.

1. The Brethren of the Lordly Prophet distribute alms-bread. These loaves have a portion of food baked into them, taken from the various offerings left at their monastery. Institutional catering and the vagaries of chance mean that this may not be always to the recipient's liking. (Roll 1d6; 1 = 'I really can't eat that!', 2-4 = Edible, 5 = Edible and fairly nice, 6 = 'Oh good! My favourite!' OR Find a low denomination coin in the bread.)

2. Mosstrooper's Bannocks. The Clayscrape Valleys are a notoriously rainy region. The local irregular troopers and reavers bake bannocks in the ashes of their fires, and have developed a method of banking them with a hard crust that keeps out the damp. One comic tale of a folk hero has him baking a particularly large bannock to float across a river, but such a feat is clearly implausible.

3. Whatever their reputation, the Forest Elves are not good bakers. An elf can learn to bake, but the elves of the deep forest are not agriculturists. The most conservative of them will not even eat mono-cultured grains. However, they see the need for a compact form of carbohydrate to feed their emissaries or warbands that leave the forests to find out what it is the younger folk are doing and tell them to stop it. Thus, they carry bags of 'Trail Powder'. This is a ground-down mix of starches and roots, which is mixed together with fresh edible leaves and a little water to form something like Bubble and Squeak - but with the texture of meringue.

4. Concord Loaves are provided at a reduced price by the cooperatives of the Popular Harmony League. These loaves are deliberately larger than is needed for the average human appetite, and the bread is of a soft sort that must be eaten promptly - therefore, the bread must be shared, or go to waste. The rumour that the League includes trace elements of a pacifying, relaxing narcotic in the bread has not effected the popularity of these loaves.

5. These flatbreads from the Sun River Kingdoms are easy to make, compact and tasty. However, traditionally they are used for pushing and scooping other foodstuffs and are generally consumed only by the greediest or the poorest; consuming them can leave create a very bad social impression.

6. Inferno Rolls are dense, with red-brown crusts and a sweet, slightly treacly taste. They have been baked over a ceaseless, fuel-less, blaze of hell-fire, but this has no especial impact on the rolls themselves - beyond a scent of sulphur on the breath of those who consume them. (Mock-Inferno Rolls, designed to reproduce the taste without the lingering scent are sold at triple the price for gastronomes.) Despite this, they remain popular and no long term ill-effects have been found in those who eat the rolls. It is quite another story for the bakers who must inhale the smoke and soot of hellfire and who sometimes exhibit an extreme piety.

7. Dwarf tuber bread is bulked out with root vegetables of various kinds, due to the limited arable land in the mountain realms. It is frequently baked with beer and is almost terrifyingly stodgy to anyone not a dwarf. Tuber bread keeps remarkably well, so long as it remains unexposed to sunlight.

8. Angel biscuits (not to be confused with Angel Wafers, which are a popular brand of sweetmeat printed with brief and often trite religious messages) are made with a mix of oatmeal derived from a miraculous growth of wild oats to a prophet in the wilderness and water from the sacred spring of a pious hermit. They are do not taste 'heavenly' as such, but eating one is generally sufficient. You have somehow eaten no more and no less food than you actually need. The feeling of fullness without being overstuffed is curious and sometimes disturbing. However, what is perhaps more remarkable is that the eater generally comes away with a strong sense of purpose and mission, as if they have just had a serious chat with Aslan.

9. It is generally accepted that one cannot stop fauns and satyrs from drinking to excess, even when such a thing would be very useful. The fauns of the Bear Coast groves, however, bake a spongey pancake using milk and various ground herbs. This slowly releases nourishing and analgesic properties that will blunt all but the worst hangovers, though it is time consuming to prepare and relatively expensive.

10. The Half-Giants of the Kuthan Highlands raise Cyclopian goats - goats standing as high as a horse, with one large eye in the centre of their foreheads and three horns.  The marrow of these goats is mixed with cornmeal and baked into unleavened rounds. The resulting bread is edible for humans, but when moistened with a little vinegar, forms an excellent bait for many of the great cats of the highlands.

Centaurs outside Eden

As the last post, design principle for Terrae Vertebrae was that initially that the races elder to humanity all balance against one another; see libertarian Dwarves, community-centric Elves. But I lacked a proper balance against Fauns and Satyrs (Caprines). I had invented them as a Gnome substitute, but since associated them with the 'Southern Influence' of C.S.Lewis's The Pilgrim's Regress (which is a blasted odd thing to grasp at for Character Alignment, but there you are).

What balances Caprines? Speculations at the time included Dvergar, Hrossa and centaurs.  Thinking about it now, a Marshwiggle would make a good contrast: deriving from Lewis, known for their gloom, enduring of the cold and ultimately, disciplined and logical (consider Puddleglum's role in the climax of The Silver Chair). [See also comments to this; the Caprine, as 'not a Gnome' is also 'not a Halfling'].

But creating a Northerner or Anti-Caprine class that slots into a putative 'Proto-Vertebrea' setting as a Prophet replacement requires a bit of mythological heft - which knocks out the Marshwiggle for this role (though by no means out of the picture altogether).

All caught up? Now, read on....

Dvergar are too similar to Dwarves. Hrossa, as Marshwiggles, lack that heft. As the title suggests, I think centaurs are the solution.

'But' says the Classically educated reader 'Centaurs are violent and savage, despite exceptions. They are unsuitable as a Regress-Northern species. Besides, they have a basis in Greek accounts of horse-borne nomads, set against the static and agrarian Greek city-states. Not quite Northern. This will not do.'

These are not unreasonable arguments against the centaur as the Anti-Caprine. However, my influences are relatively widespread.

First, consider the horse as a symbol. Yes, the wild horse is most Romantic and spectacular. But the horse as known to Western civilisation is a draught animal; hardly the lowest beast of burden, but not one let to roam free either. The horse's might and splendour is seen as something that is governed, and enhanced by being governed. Consider the uses of the horse in the Equestrian Portraits of Charles I.

Think also of the chariot and the stagecoach: horses - more than four, even - cooperating in drawing the burden across the countryside. Mention of the Chariot draws us nicely to the Allegory of the Chariot. Horse(s) and Man together are the (civilised) Human Soul. This is not the only link between the Rational and the Equine: consider Gulliver's Houynhnms - Rational to a fault and certainly inimical to humanity. Orderly and peaceable beasts, to be sure - but not altogether pleasant ones. Let us not forget that Lewis conjured the Northern as a diversion from the true course.

[A game for those of you who wish amusement: watch an episode of Star Trek and mentally replace every mention or appearance of Vulcans with Houynhnms.]

Speaking of Lewis, let us not neglect our Appendices N. Much twentieth [-first] century literature conjures the centaur as a wise teacher (every dwarf is Gimli; every centaur is Chiron). Narnia is an example; Harry Potter another.

What is more, the Northern temperament in The Pilgrim's Regress is not opposed, as such, to savagery or indulgence - even if austerity is one manifestation of it. The giant 'heroic nihilist' Savage feasts and drinks (from the skulls of his enemies, no less). Among his followers, one tribe is listed as 'Gangomani' (others being Marxomanni, Mussolimini and Swastici). Given the Northern temperament and the time of writing, the persons conjured are more likely the loyal triggermen of Capone-esque mob bosses than desperate muggers and school drop-outs. The Gangster, as conjured, is hardly teetotal or celibate - but rather indulges his passions at a given moment. Consider the stoic, cold maxim of Coppola's The Godfather: "It's not personal. It's strictly business."

So, yes, you can do a Marlon Brando impression as a centaur mob boss and not have be out of place. Moving away from such a specific genre trope, the 'work hard-play hard' culture would not be unfitting for a Regress-Northern character. Indeed, if the most Regress-Northern one can be is somewhat like Savage, the most 'centaur-esque' centaur need not be unlike the violent, rapacious classical centaur. 

Having taken you on that little journey, let's descend back to a firmer footing.  What does a Fifty-Two Pages centaur class look like?

THE CENTAUR

Size: 2

HP - d6+1+ CON +/-.

Attack Modifiers - None, initially
Mind Save 7 + WIS +/-
Speed Save 5 + DEX+/-
Body Save  7 + CON +/-

Knowledge    Notice Detail   Hear Noise   Handiwork   Stealth   Athletics
      [XX]               [ ]                        [X]              [ ]              [X]             [X]

Starts with one extra Language, and Spells: 2+INT bonus.

Level Advancement: +1 Melee, +1 Missile every Fourth Level
                                    +1 to all Saves every Odd Level
                                    +2 Spells per level

Centaur movement is as a Heavy Warhorse; that is, 15. However, climbing or anything that involves gripping with the feet is more difficult. Even a simple obstacle counts as Hard.

Spells cast as Prophet. A Centaur, as Regress-Northern belongs to "rigid systems whether sceptical or dogmatic, Aristocrats, Stoics, Pharisees, Rigorists, signed and sealed members of highly organised 'Parties'." This limits their spell choice, just as a Prophet's faith does.

Likewise, it gives them a 'sacred' weapon. There is a weapon emblematic of their creed; one they are trained or accustomed to use. To return to the Gangster-Centaur, this may merely be that Our Gang uses Baseball bats and The Gang the Next Block Over uses straight razors. (This starts to sound less like The Godfather and more like The Warriors).

Centaur encumbrance, as a dwarf, is as a STR 18 character. However, a third of these slots must be packed and unpacked by another character. (The human torso cannot turn 360 degrees.)

A Centaur can be ridden as a horse (though there may be taboos about this). However, it encumbers (as riding a horse) and may interfere with the centaur's abilities.

Much as Half-Giants, for armour to count as full-body, it must be built for a centaur. A humanoid mail-shirt (or similar cuirass) can be worn, but counts as Partial.

***

I am not an equestrian myself and have concentrated in this post more on cultural ideas than biological ones. Readers may wish to examine the SFF and Equines column from Tor Books. There are even some centaur specific posts, with this convenient diagram.

Faun Fashions

Some of you may recall that I suggested the Faun or Satyr (I use the term 'Caprine' may be used for the category of both) as a replacement in fantasy RPGs for Gnomes, Halflings or anything in that nippy and nimble/semi-magical/fun-loving mould.

An idle thought hit me when running over the Faun concept. What do they wear? Frequently, of course, caprines are portrayed wearing little. But unless you want fauns to magically carry round with them the warm clime of Arcadia, they will probably wear something, sometimes.

Moreover, it is generally recognised by fauns that a) other humanoids generally like certain portions of the body to be covered up and b) it is sometimes worth covering up vulnerable portions of the body (IE, when cooking, working in the forge or in melee combat).

Having goat legs, however, is good in that it is sufficient to keep off the worst of the weather - but fauns enjoy being relatively unhindered leg-wise: free to dance or leap or climb. This is not generally objected to in humanoid society; if you want caprines doing caprine things and doing them well, don't hamper them. Trousers and britches are out; skirts and kilts are a little too constrictive still. Yes, caprines can wear them and work in them - but this makes them look too similar to humans: disagreeable as one working at worldbuilding - or as a faun who is not shy about being a faun.

Therefore: the underlayer of caprine costume is something we may refer to as a 'modesty tabard'. It reaches to mid-thigh or lower, bears a certain resemblance to a white shirt and covers up what needs to be covered. (Speculate on any garments underneath at leisure - and elsewhere).

The upper torso can then be dressed much as a human upper torso [Probably a most sinister sentence in isolation]. However, a few further things to note.

Firstly, the modesty tabard can be further concealed or decorated by an ornamental apron. That is, further deflecting away attention from the tabard and transforming the utilitarian garment. Naturally, a satyr cook will wear a plain apron; goat legs do no resist hot soup.

Secondly, the garments on the upper torso are generally cut quite short, so they do not impede the legs. For example, a faun is more likely to wear a waist-length poncho than a slicker to keep off the rain. A faun is more likely to wear a tight pea-jacket than a long overcoat.

A caprine will not, under most circumstances, wear shoes. However, if attending a formal event or in a finely decorated house with expensive carpets, a caprine may wear galoshes to keep the mud and dirt of the street from their hooves. These are removed on entrance to the house.

Headgear presents a difficulty: caprines have horned heads. Horns that can vary in size, shape or position. A hat proper must be made to measure, bespoke; to best accommodate brim, dome - and horns. Thus it is more likely to see low-income fauns - or satyrs in some job where the hat might be lost or muddied - wearing turbans, shawls or other forms of more flexible headgear.

ARMS AND THE FAUN

Naturally, caprines must sometimes wear armour. By their nature, they are more likely to serve as light infantry or scouts than as heavy infantry.

(Caprines can ride horses. However, they must ride them side-saddle. Satyr cavalry is therefore either chariot based or mounted infantry in the dragoon fashion.)

Caprine armour might extend down the flanks - pteruges are not uncommon; greaves might be worn. But the faun must be able to move rapidly. Particularly heavy or cumbersome plate armour is largely unknown among caprines, even on the torso.

Helmets pose a similar difficulty to hats; a conscript satyr is more likely to be issued a series of metal bands that cross the head, leaving the horns poking through - rather like the leather-bound steel caps of the Early Middle Ages, but with strategic gaps. Helmet making among caprines is a rather specialist enterprise. The skilled helmet maker must accommodate the horns without making them into awkward prongs that direct a blow toward the skull. This can produce some extraordinary creations.

***

I believe this covers the basics of caprine costuming - largely on the logistical or mechanical side of things than this season's styles. If anything further crops up, I shall let you know.

Terrae Vertebrae: Non-Humans (Caprines) and why I wouldn't touch Gnomes with a Ten Foot Pole

So: there's no way round it. The 52 Pages offer Gnomes as a character class.  It fits an interesting mechanical slot - one can only choose to play as Gnome with all the various offers that advances if none of your ability scores have a positive modifier. Gnomes themselves have an interesting set of skills that mollify the effects of these low rolls. (See here for a blog post on the subject over at Roles, Rules and Rolls).

But, Gnomes just don't feel like a good fit. Not for Terrae Vertebrae anyway. Not for any mechanical reason - not really. One could argue that they jostle for space with the 'Underground Skill set' with the Dwarves - but some duplication seems inevitable.

All this is ultimately dependent one how a player chooses to act, but fundamentally Gnomes occupy a space that doesn't seem right. The image they have is of manic, mischievous creatures, prone to wild ideas and reckless extravagance.

I might offer two objections to this.

Firstly - and anticipating how one might attack the stereotypes of Elves or Dwarves - there is almost a rule in mind for adapting pre-existing Non-Human races in my mind that gets them 'off the hook'. Call it the 'Two Image' rule; Elves can be envisaged as Wild Men of the Woods, Creatures of Nature - or as Haughty Lords of the Elder Days. Dwarves likewise have the potential to slot themselves between Dour, Skillful, Underground-Dwelling Artisans and Ferocious, Lust-for-Life Warriors.

Gnomes....at least in my mind....don't. They sit firmly in the 'mischievous sprite' camp, pointy hats or no. Tolkien's Hobbits (and anything like them) sit squarely between Down-to-Earth Farmers, Gentleman-Scholars and Wide-Eyed Naivete. The spells gifted to them in The 52 Pages prevent me form just calling them Halflings. The notion of Dragonlance's Kender is, well, unspeakable.

Secondly - and knowing the potential pomposity in my words - they are just silly. Yes, this needn't be a downfall in a party of adventurers, nor is comedy shunned at the gaming table. But ask yourself about the sort of humour involved.

A party of adventurers walk into the dungeon. The Rogue trips over her bootlaces, the impassioned speech by the Paladin goes down like a lead balloon, the Wizard casts fireball at just the wrong moment, the Barbarian is taken out of the running by a series of dice-rolls from an unusually resilient kobold. The party leaves the dungeon singed, battered, none the richer for all their travails; everyone round the table has a chuckle at the best-laid plans Of Murderhoboes and Men.

The Gnome...well, if the Gnome falls flat on his face, that's practically expected. It's the equivalent of somebody entering to an obnoxious laugh track. A race of comic relief is less than desirable; one might see the adventurer as Straight Man - the GM and the Universe she operates are the Comedic Foil.

What alternative do I offer, and how does it differ?

A leaf not out of Northern European myth and legend, but Southern. The Faun and the Satyr - I refer to these collectively as 'Caprines' (this link, interestingly, suggests the possibility for Terrae Vertebrae of antelope-men in southern climes).

Do they pass the 'Two Image' rule? At one end, we have Mr Tumnus and the denizens of Narnia; on the other, the wild revelers and Dionysiac figures of Greek myth. They have some of the same qualities associated with Gnomes - but without the puckish element.

Within the world of Terrae Vertebrae, I conceived elements of Caprine life thusly: Fauns are settled, urbane if not necessarily urban and often smaller than Satyrs as a result of lifestyle. Both look to satisfy pleasures in relative idleness and comfort. Difference being, Fauns wonder down to the pub each evening for a glass of wine and a chat; Satyrs wander into town from the country when they wish to paint the town red. Think of the two as Highlanders and Lowlanders. 

Satyrs often worship the Old Gods. This is worrying to local Churchmen and faithful; conversion is next to impossible. Fauns tend to look to the more indulgent kind of Folk Saints and to keep their heads down in Church.

They are generally Nirvanite natives....though are less seen in the Novopolis. Plenty live and work among humans, but a stranger is, by nature of being an unknown Faun, especially strange.

As half goat, they are nimble, swift creatures and have some minor magics as an elder race. 

Now, no player ever yet chose to play as one. But their rules would not be so very different to Gnomes: something like Rogues and something like Magic-users. Naturally, they are of a different size. A different set of backgrounds would be necessary (eliminating the Dwarf-Gnome Underground clash discussed above), and less underground-centered languages. Perhaps the mind save might also be reduced, to emphasise the unfocused nature of the Caprines - but in return, their magical abilities might be less prone to failure. 

Thus, then, mechanically, Caprines are skirmishers and supporting spellcasters - just as Gnomes. But without the pointy hats.

It did strike me that my other Non-Humans exists in comparison to one another. If this is the case, the Caprine seeking of worldly fulfillment (if not necessarily to hedonistic extremes; Hobbits are not decadents!) should be offset by a somewhat more spiritual, thoughtful race. This never quite came to fruition, though some ideas relating to C.S. Lewis's Out of the Silent Planet emerged.

Are there any offering a defense of the Gnome? Is the Caprine an acceptable substitute?